Dude, you TOTALLY need a can of fake duck. Here's the company's description:
"This hand-made delicacy possesses the juicy and tender texture and taste of the infamous Peking roast duck. It was first created in mid-10th century China supposedly to encourage vegetarianism and sway people from excessive consumption of animal food. Companion's modern revival of this sepcial vegan alternative is perfect for any dish or recipe imaginable. It is loved because it is light and right."
INGREDIENTS: GLUTEN (WHEAT FLOUR PROTEIN), WATER, SOYBEAN OIL, SOYBEAN EXTRACT, SEA SALT, NATURAL CANE SUGAR.